21 Guns

No inspirations, no thoughts, just a hit song that fills me up.  A special someone introduced me to this, and reading the lyrics pretty much sums it up for me today. thanks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZhAXJkGV5w

Do you know what’s worth fighting for?
When it’s not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you’re at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn’t pass
Nothing’s ever built to last
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

A Burning Soul

I lit a flame today

In hopes to burn the pain away

I feel such pain and sorrow

And know I will be here tomorrow

I do not have wings to fly

All I do is sit and cry

I embrace life with turmoil and despair

Love someone who doesn’t care

With every breathe I take

I know his love has been a fake

To rise above a new tomorrow

Where no more love, pain & sorrow

Oh how I wish for thee

To be ever so happy

But just until the end of day

I will write my blues away

-by Cathy PW Belyea

 

“Words can have so much meaning but less is more”

I lit a candle for everyone to show you are in my thoughts and on my mind.  Wherever you go, whatever you do, know that someone out there loves you.

C.

 

Learning to Let Go

     For the past year, I have tried so hard to let go of someone I love deeply and I cannot for the life of me seem to do this.  When I was younger, I could always walk away from anything, love, jobs, friendships and not dwell on them.  I always felt good about making that decision and never looked back.  But since 2005 my whole world has never been the same.  My life has been surrounded by someone who loved me once and now does not want me.  He trusted me once and now doesn’t.  Although, I realize that this is making sick, emotionally, physically, I still can’t stop this burning desire to hold on to him.  I keep feeling that someday he will want to rekindle our love and make this relationship work. 

     The main reason I believe this is because every 3 or 4 months, he calls me and wants to meet.  I do not have the power to say “NO”. I always give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe this time he will given in to my desire.  A desire to make a loving relationship and a future.

     Am I a fool? Yes, I have looked at all the resources, information, blogs, self-help guides, etc… getting advice from everyone, and you know they all say the same thing.  MOVE ON!!! But how? I can’t let my heart go for this person, he is there and will never go away.  I don’t want him too, and I know that is why I can’t let it go.  The worst part is he knows this too.  I have asked him repeatedly to stop doing this to me, although every time I see him he apologizes for hurting me (and I believe him) and for some reason I don’t believe he understands the pain and sorrow I feel every time he rejects me like this.

     He is now aware that I have this blog with hopes that he reads it.  He will no doubt be shocked by the things I write but that’s ok.   I hope someday to get healthy again, I am really emotional and my eyes are starting to look old.  I cannot emphasis how much my writing has helped but it isn’t a solution.  My book will no doubt open a few doors and possibly reach some other souls who are also living this horrible love triangle.  I only wish to send my words across the world-wide web to maybe inspire someone else who feels lost and doesn’t know where to turn.  Some people are more stuck in their world than me and if we connect,  could possibly help each other.

I am grateful for the readers who take the time and interest in my blog. Your support will always be recognized.

Cathy (Lost Soul)

Never Give Up by Charlie Remiggio

Here’s a great poem called “Never Give Up”, by Charlie Remiggio:

http://www.happypublishing.com/blog/never-give-up-poem/

Never give up
Never lose hope.
Always have faith,
It allows you to cope.
Trying times will pass,
As they always do.
Just have patience,
Your dreams will come true.
So put on a smile,
You’ll live through your pain,
Know it will pass,
And strength you will gain.

Amazing how many talented people are out there and we don’t know it.

Being Weak and Strong

How is this possible?  Can you really be strong and weak at the same time?  Yes my fellow bloggers, friends, family and social networks; there is humanity!

We all go through life experiencing ups and downs, sorrows, defects, successes, etc…and I have come realize as well, we can be strong when faced with challenges and weak when we are faced in love.  This is me, I can’t express enough about this being in love.  It is the root of all.  Think about it; we were all created by love, in one form or another.  And for better or worse, love is the center of the universe. 

You are strong when you are in love, love for yourself, love of your new first business, love of a new friends and I could go on.  You feel strong when you have  accomplished a great project and people love the work you have done, therefore, you receive love.  You acknowledge someone else’s journey, whatever that maybe, and you love them for letting them discover who they are. You social network in hopes that someone will take notice in your interesting read and love them for following.  So far, you are strong in all these situations. The internet shows us so many ways to find love in a large growing world of information overload that upgrading is the first word we speak.

On the other hand, when you fail a task you had so diligently worked on, you feel weak for not succeeding.  When someone rejects your calls, emails, letters, thoughts, you feel weak because you fear lost of love.  When you get less responses from your daily writings, or hits from your new website, you feel weak because no one paid attention.  When you finally adapt to a situation, comfortable and  able to function in your life because you were so overwhelmed by a loss, or death, or depression and yet still borderline weak because you can’t face the reality yet.  And so you are weak in all these situations.  Big DEAL!!

I know this all seems a bit crazy, but it makes sense.  Strong and weak go together; humanity is a funny thing and we are all human.  I never give advice, I am not an expert.  I write what I have lived through; some days are better than others, as I am sure for most people. 

So for today:  I feel strong that I have written a great book, but I feel weak that I had to edit because it had flaws.  So be it, done it, working on it and will continue to ride the wave of humanity.

Fear

Fear is right up there at the top of the list of emotions to feel.  I am currently feeling fear, fear of losing my sanity, fear of facing the unknown, fear of not being strong when the moment is right.  It is amazing how I could sit here and write all my feelings and emotions, tell people what I really think of a situation or them, but I am face to face with them I can not. 

As you all know by now, I am in love with a great man (well in my eyes anyways) and does not love me back in the same way. He has broken my heart over and over again, and I let him.  Why do I do this to myself?  I need that answer.  Everytime he calls me, to talk, it is like the pain all goes away, when we are together there is no pain, just my happy place.  Although he never comes out and says or gives me any indication of trying to recover our relationship, I am a woman, and I believe most woman expect something back.  Why do men do this? Why do they not understand that we as women expect that phone call the the next day, or some sort of reaction to a beautiful night?

My fear is when we do see other after months of being away, I somewhat recover from that lost that he has rejected me, and then when he finally calls, I can’ t even spit out any of the things I really wanted to say to him.  THAT’S THE FEAR!!! Why can’t I say to him: Why do you do this to me? Why do you feel the need to call me after so many months and make it look like nothing is wrong? Why do you cry on my shoulder and not listen to me?  Why do you not consider my feelings?

He knows everytime he does this how I am the next few days after, I cry and really put myself down for not having the power to say “NO”.  Today I will be speaking with a professional about this fear and I hope she can help me see what it is that stops me from facing this man and really telling him what it is that I am going through. 

I know most of you will probably say: ” Wow, just let him go”, but I have heard that so many times, and for some reason although most are right, I have to be the one to let go.  And my heart won’t let go.  I don’t know why, it’s just an intense feeling I have that someday I’ll get my happy ending, and we could work on this once beautiful relationship we had.  I am forever grateful to the people who put up with my tears, this story has been going on now for almost 2 years, off and on.

I dedicate this post to : My StepMOM Denise, who has been so patience with me and listening when there was no one else, my IMVU friends whom have been there, total strangers listening, my little man Nathan, who listens to me cry for days after an episode, to my good friend Amanda, whom I don’t see often but she is always there when I need here, to CharLeigh-Thanks for trying hun, I love you.

My Bucket List

A great adventurous girl I know made this suggestion today, Alexis Grant http://alexisgrant.wordpress.com/2009/11/16/why-you-should-have-a-bucket-list/#comment-1488

Read her post and then make your own.

Here is mine:

Sing a hit song

Ride a horse

Fall out of love

Say what I mean and mean what I say

Face my fears

Become wealthy (not rich)

Forgive the one who broke my heart

Travel to Paris, Italy, UK and Texas

Laugh everyday for no reason at all

Erase all the pain

Become an amazing person

Forget Friday the 13th

It’s Time For Me To Fly

I had a special post to a very special person, whom I’ve laughed, loved, cried for and with, have more passion with that anyone could ever imagine I dedicate this song to you. (hoping you read my post)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak6fZrkjWoA

“I’ve been around for you
I’ve been up and down for you
But I just can’t get any relief
I’ve swallowed my pride for you
I’ve lived and lied for you
But you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealin’ your love away
‘Cause you never give it
Peeling the years away
And we can’t relive it
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it’s time for me to fly

You said we’d work it out
You said that you had no doubt
That deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I’m tired of holding on
To a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I’ve had enough

I’ve had enough of the falseness
Of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy
And the intoleration
I make you laugh
And you make me cry
I believe it’s time for me to fly

[Refrain:]
Time for me to fly
Oh, I’ve got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
And that’s just how it’s got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye
But it’s time for me to fly

Oh, don’t you know it’s…
[Refrain]

It’s time for me to fly
[Repeat to end]…”

For those of you who love deeply, I hope this has meaning.

Rejection vs Pain

The definition of rejection: “to refuse to accept, consider, submit to, take for some purpose”

The definition of pain: “An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder“

What I see in this by definition is the same thing.  To refuse is unpleasant sensation what someone does not want to give , share, or even attempt to make you happy.  Our world is filled with all kinds of despair and rage; the worst part is most people when for only a moment in time can feel happy only to be shot down more and more, you become the victim of these two words.  I truly believe I am the victim and although I have worked so hard at become a better person, there is still that edge where I can easily fall again.

No one should make you feel like you are a nobody, that you could be that carpet you walk on everyday and no one notices.  No one has the right to inflict pain onto you, no one has the right to use every part of your heart and mind, manipulating you in a way you don’t even understand anymore.  I know at least a few people who do this, whether they are aware of it or not.  I was told once that people who hurt you, not only because you let them but it is because they themselves have something lying inside, hurt or pain and they then inflict it on others.  I only wish that these people would realize how much damage one can cause doing this. 

How do you become strong and resist this rejection and pain?  You work at it; don’t expect miracles in one week, or a month, it’s a learned behaviour.  You have to work at it all the time, everyday of your life.  I am a prime example, I work at this everyday but am very susceptible, on the edge lets say, and I still feel crushed when someone injects me with pain.

To you I wish today:  Find that strength to build a better you because in the end, you and you alone are standing by yourself.

Real or Fake?

Can we be so consumed by someone who we do not know the difference between what is real and what is fake?  I would imagine where love is concerned a lot of people rethink this question.  I am a victim of unconditional love and I cannot get away from it.  I have tried over and over to let go of this intense feeling, but I do wonder if I am not supposed too.  Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be, a life lesson.  But this lesson is becoming very hard on me.

Last night, I was on top of the world again; I was feeling pretty confident that I was strong.  I faced a fear, fell into the crack and came out today feeling emotional again.   I feel I have lost my control because of the power of another soul.  Even if I try and escape, keep busy, I have that aching feeling of anxiety, nervousness, and sorrow. 

Mood swings are a terrible thing for me, I experience them quite often and for years I didn’t know how to deal with them. I know now when I feel one coming on, I can talk my through it. I feel the emotion, ride the wave, whether it last for a few minutes or for hours and hope that I will come out of it.  Today the mood is very hard, crying, weeding out my fears or rejection, abandonment, and freedom to be strong.  I know that tomorrow will be better but for today I will ride that wave, I will feel my fears, I will cry as much as I want and no one can tell me any different.

I leave you with this thought:  “Why do we love unconditionally?”